Got into yet another discussion about love and relationships today, with two of my work mates. One of whom has been with his wife for 11 years, married 7, and the other beaming with happiness after having moved in with his girlfriend of 9 months. Those guys obviously thought I’m just a bitter cow when I said: ‘I’m perfectly happy on my own and don’t really need a relationship.’ Let them think what they want.
But I mean it. I feel completely content with the way things are and have often declared that the thought of becoming a ‘spinster’ isn’t that horrible. I can see in other people’s eyes though that they think I’ve given up somehow - and vowed to stay single for the rest of my life. I think those are the people who started, as kids or teenagers, to visualize themselves spending their lives with someone special in the future, expecting to be the half of a pair for the rest of their lives, as if it was inevitable. And then they did.
I was actually just like them in the beginning, as a teenager, but then started weighing the pros and the cons. I wanted to be independent and take care of myself financially, so that I could travel and be free to pack my things and take off to Timbuktu if I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. And I envisioned doing so many things that an ordinary family life would make difficult, if not impossible.
But the main reason why I’m still single is that if I ever were to form a serious relationship with a man, I‘d want it to happen for the right reasons. Not just because I met someone whom I could accept as a husband and struggle with through decades of marriage, but because after spending time with that man I‘d find it difficult to spend the rest of my life without him. And I‘m not talking about love at first sight, a soul mate or any of that rubbish. I don‘t believe in those things. Just someone I‘d get so well on with and enjoyed so much being with that I’d think it would make me more happy to go through life with him rather than without. Someone that I could share the journey of life and we’d help each other to blossom as human beings. And, of course, I‘d want him to choose me, not just because he was looking for a partner but because he stumbled upon me and would want to share his life with me and not just some good woman who‘d make a ‘convenient’ wife.
If it happens, it happens. If it doesn‘t happen this way, then it just won’t happen at all. And the thought of spending my life without a partner does not seem terrifying to me at all.
I‘m quite sure you can find fulfilment and have a happy life some other way. I‘ve heard of such people, I‘m sure they exist.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Cute Enough
‘Tell me, dear, why is it that such a bright, young woman like yourself is still single? I mean, you‘ve got the brains and the looks and everything!’
Ah, well, that‘s a good question, actually, and I promise to get back to you on that as soon as I‘ve found out. In the meantime, why don‘t you try and ask the many gentlemen who have, rather selflessly, attributed to that condition of mine? I can provide you with their phone numbers, e-mail addresses, MSN or Skype nicks, no bother at all.
The reason why I’m single is just as much a mystery to me as it is to all of those oh-so concerned people who don’t seem to fathom that ‘ordinary’ people can still be single after thirty. Women seem to wonder more about this than men, I have to say. Or they’re more prone to say something out loud, interrogating me to try to find out where I stand in society, and why.
‘So, how long since you divorced?’ – ‘I’ve never been married actually.’ – ‘Oh, well...lived with someone, then?’ – ‘Never lived with anyone either, I’m afraid.’ –‘Really? So...you’ve just always been...single?’ – ‘Yup, always single.’ –‘What? Such a cute girl?’
Yeah, I’m single despite being cute. Amazing. Must have an awful personality then, thank you very much! You just managed to turn a simple compliment into quite the opposite. That tends to happen when people try to use my looks to comfort me in my apparently pathetic situation. As if it has anything to do with looks anyway? Perhaps everybody except me knows that all the ugly people are single and all the pretty people are not. If so, I must get a prescription for those glasses I’ve been meaning to get for so long.
But I’d go as far as stating that looks have absolutely nothing to do with people being drawn to one another. Which is a paradox, of course, because there has to be something that attracts - and at first glance it’s usually related to appearances. But what one person might find attractive, someone else finds rather ordinary or even repulsive. The great non-mystery - that most people discover when they’ve reached the minimum maturity to be considered adults - is that the personality, vibes and various, invisible little character traits have much more effect when it comes to attraction than any fake tan, hairdo, make-up or plastic surgery.
Yes, there seems to be some cosmic rumour that certain physical traits are more sought after than others and might even ensure popularity with the other sex, or whichever sex you’re trying to attract. However, at the end of the day it’s just an inexplicable, mysterious personal taste that is the defining factor.
Let’s face it, if it were only down to looks, wouldn’t Hollywood relationships last longer?
Ah, well, that‘s a good question, actually, and I promise to get back to you on that as soon as I‘ve found out. In the meantime, why don‘t you try and ask the many gentlemen who have, rather selflessly, attributed to that condition of mine? I can provide you with their phone numbers, e-mail addresses, MSN or Skype nicks, no bother at all.
The reason why I’m single is just as much a mystery to me as it is to all of those oh-so concerned people who don’t seem to fathom that ‘ordinary’ people can still be single after thirty. Women seem to wonder more about this than men, I have to say. Or they’re more prone to say something out loud, interrogating me to try to find out where I stand in society, and why.
‘So, how long since you divorced?’ – ‘I’ve never been married actually.’ – ‘Oh, well...lived with someone, then?’ – ‘Never lived with anyone either, I’m afraid.’ –‘Really? So...you’ve just always been...single?’ – ‘Yup, always single.’ –‘What? Such a cute girl?’
Yeah, I’m single despite being cute. Amazing. Must have an awful personality then, thank you very much! You just managed to turn a simple compliment into quite the opposite. That tends to happen when people try to use my looks to comfort me in my apparently pathetic situation. As if it has anything to do with looks anyway? Perhaps everybody except me knows that all the ugly people are single and all the pretty people are not. If so, I must get a prescription for those glasses I’ve been meaning to get for so long.
But I’d go as far as stating that looks have absolutely nothing to do with people being drawn to one another. Which is a paradox, of course, because there has to be something that attracts - and at first glance it’s usually related to appearances. But what one person might find attractive, someone else finds rather ordinary or even repulsive. The great non-mystery - that most people discover when they’ve reached the minimum maturity to be considered adults - is that the personality, vibes and various, invisible little character traits have much more effect when it comes to attraction than any fake tan, hairdo, make-up or plastic surgery.
Yes, there seems to be some cosmic rumour that certain physical traits are more sought after than others and might even ensure popularity with the other sex, or whichever sex you’re trying to attract. However, at the end of the day it’s just an inexplicable, mysterious personal taste that is the defining factor.
Let’s face it, if it were only down to looks, wouldn’t Hollywood relationships last longer?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
It's Not Me?
My hopes of being romantically involved with a man in the nearest future just got crushed. I received a very long e-mail at lunchtime. You thought I was going to say ‘a letter’ didn‘t you? Well, forget everything you read in the old romances, e-mail is the accepted form these days. In his defence, this long e-mail was a response to a somewhat spontaneous Facebook message from yours truly, asking why the hell we didn‘t take our sleeping arrangements a bit further and ventured on going on a proper date to see if that would lead us anywhere interesting? Just to check if there might be something there other than what had been going on for a few weeks, and was causing me to grow a little fond of this divorced father of two in his mid-forties.
He took three days contemplating his reply, which by then was completely unnecessary. As if I hadn‘t realised what the answer was NOT going to be. It was pretty obvious that on reading my message it had NOT dawned on him that he loved me passionately and had NOT rushed to buy me flowers, run to my office to sweep me up in his arms, showering me with kisses before dragging me to the airport to surprise me with a romantic mini-break in Paris where he’d propose... No, he was probably struggling for three days with how to word it nicely to me that he just thought I was a good shag. Which I am.
Back to the actual e-mail. Most of it was a sort of a philosophical reflection on whether he was in fact fit to ever be in a relationship again. He felt that in the past he had always ended up being an arsehole and claimed he simply never understood women. And since he had two children to think of, he thought it best just to remain single and put all his energy into raising them. So, ‘de facto’, he had decided to stay out of relationships for the rest of his life and therefore it would be unfair to me to try and make something more out of what we had.
I sort of understood him, despite feeling sorry for him a bit. I mean, not everybody wants to be in a relationship, especially if you’ve already tried it and had kids. So I could see his point of view - and was just starting to think of a nice reply where I would thank him for being so sincere and honest when I read the last sentence. ‘But who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone tomorrow and fall in love like a fool, all over again, eh?’
Idiot! He had almost pulled it off but then screwed everything up right at the bottom. And I thought men were supposed to exceed women in logical thinking? You fool. If you’re open to the mere possibility of falling in love again, without being able to do anything about it, then the reason why you don’t want to date me is NOT that you’ve ruled relationships out entirely. It’s that you simply don’t fancy me! Why didn’t you just say so? It would have been a perfectly legitimate reason! God, he might just as well have written ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ over and over again down a few lines and then ‘P.S. Actually, it is you.’ Idiot, idiot, IDIOT!
Of course, I didn’t say any of this to him in my reply, he would think I was one of those hysterical, crazy women! No I just wrote: ‘OK then, my place or yours tonight?’ I’m sooo co-dependent.
He took three days contemplating his reply, which by then was completely unnecessary. As if I hadn‘t realised what the answer was NOT going to be. It was pretty obvious that on reading my message it had NOT dawned on him that he loved me passionately and had NOT rushed to buy me flowers, run to my office to sweep me up in his arms, showering me with kisses before dragging me to the airport to surprise me with a romantic mini-break in Paris where he’d propose... No, he was probably struggling for three days with how to word it nicely to me that he just thought I was a good shag. Which I am.
Back to the actual e-mail. Most of it was a sort of a philosophical reflection on whether he was in fact fit to ever be in a relationship again. He felt that in the past he had always ended up being an arsehole and claimed he simply never understood women. And since he had two children to think of, he thought it best just to remain single and put all his energy into raising them. So, ‘de facto’, he had decided to stay out of relationships for the rest of his life and therefore it would be unfair to me to try and make something more out of what we had.
I sort of understood him, despite feeling sorry for him a bit. I mean, not everybody wants to be in a relationship, especially if you’ve already tried it and had kids. So I could see his point of view - and was just starting to think of a nice reply where I would thank him for being so sincere and honest when I read the last sentence. ‘But who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone tomorrow and fall in love like a fool, all over again, eh?’
Idiot! He had almost pulled it off but then screwed everything up right at the bottom. And I thought men were supposed to exceed women in logical thinking? You fool. If you’re open to the mere possibility of falling in love again, without being able to do anything about it, then the reason why you don’t want to date me is NOT that you’ve ruled relationships out entirely. It’s that you simply don’t fancy me! Why didn’t you just say so? It would have been a perfectly legitimate reason! God, he might just as well have written ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ over and over again down a few lines and then ‘P.S. Actually, it is you.’ Idiot, idiot, IDIOT!
Of course, I didn’t say any of this to him in my reply, he would think I was one of those hysterical, crazy women! No I just wrote: ‘OK then, my place or yours tonight?’ I’m sooo co-dependent.
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