So, this is all my fault? I pick the wrong men?
Looking back, I think it's actually a miracle that I've been involved with men at all. You see, when I was about 16-18 I sort of made a vow not to settle down until I was at least 25 years old. I simply thought that before that age would be way too early.
This was a bit strange for someone being from a country where people tend to grow up quickly, start living with someone and even buy a flat and start a family quite early, around twenty or in their early twenties. No matter if they're at university, they just adapt their family life around their studies.
So a lot of my schoolmates and friends were getting all excited about the new home that they were setting up with their boyfriends, working part-time along with school to save up for a new settee. This was when we were 18 and 19. Then they started to get pregnant too and all conversations within the group somehow revolved around pregnancies, babies, baby clothes and baby accessories, the cost of daycare and where to find the best childminders.
It would have been easy just to get sucked in; who wouldn't want to have a nice home with a cute boyfriend and a little baby to make the picture perfect? It would have been so easy just to hook up with some hard working schoolmate and have him take care of me and our unborn children. I would have had security and a future plan to follow.
But instead of finding it tempting, I felt a surge of anxiety whenever I imagined this future for me. And when these girls were talking with glee about the couple-things they had been doing, having the in-laws over for dinner and such, I couldn't help but thinking that they were only playing house, the grown up version. Having recently lost a parent, I was extremely aware of how short life can be and how precious our time is. There's never a chance of going back and taking a different turn if you realise along the way that you'd rather not be where you're at. Becoming a mother at the age of 20 means you'll be a mother for the rest of your life, perhaps for 60 years if you're lucky. You'll be responsible for another person for at least the next 20 years, longer if you keep adding children. Their well-being will affect where you live, how you work, what you do in your spare time, how you spend your holidays, everything!
So I thought to myself, no matter if I fall in love with someone in the next few years, no matter how much in love I will be, I will NOT move in with someone or have children before the age of 25! That way, I thought I could still do and have all the things the other girls did, but do a lot more before that. I could have it all if only I postponed this for a few years.
And so my abstinence from couples' life began; when we graduated, I already had a plane ticket to go abroad, on my own, while many of my friends went home to make dinner for their family.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Unavailability
So, while on ice, I've had a lot of time to think.
I've begun to see a pattern in the men I get involved with, not only those I've blogged about here but ever since I started properly dating. Yes, I've almost only dated men, never been in a proper relationship. Why is this?
I could blame it on the men, and some of them have been real dickheads and not treated me well. But at the end of the day, they're the ones I pick. I don't get easily attracted to men, you can call me picky, but very few men truly raise my interest. And I very seldom have developed a big crush on them, a crush that could have led to something more deep-rooted but didn't get the time to grow because the guys started acting like...yes, dickheads.
Only twice in my lifetime have I been in love; the first one didn't know about it till too late (that's a story for a veeery long blog post one day), the other one acted like a dickhead. For real. He's admitted it to me, as we're now quite good friends. But that window closed and once it's closed, I can't force it open again. He simply killed off any romantic feelings I had for him. Yet I can feel very close to him as a friend, am very fond of him and hope he'll find a good woman soon because he's really trying to find someone. But it can't be me, now I sometimes wonder what on Earth I saw in him a decade ago. It might have worked, but I would have been compromising a lot. In some ways, he doesn't get me at all, and I'd rather be with someone who is at least open to my way of thinking, or else be alone.
Anyways, I think that most of the men I've been involved with in my lifetime have had one thing in common. No, not that they're usually a lot older and grey-haired, which is what my friends keep teasing me about, but that when it comes to it, they are in fact unavailable, emotionally if not physically.
It's not something I know from the start, but something I discover, often painfully, along the way. They simply are not available to me. Why do I keep choosing them?
I've begun to see a pattern in the men I get involved with, not only those I've blogged about here but ever since I started properly dating. Yes, I've almost only dated men, never been in a proper relationship. Why is this?
I could blame it on the men, and some of them have been real dickheads and not treated me well. But at the end of the day, they're the ones I pick. I don't get easily attracted to men, you can call me picky, but very few men truly raise my interest. And I very seldom have developed a big crush on them, a crush that could have led to something more deep-rooted but didn't get the time to grow because the guys started acting like...yes, dickheads.
Only twice in my lifetime have I been in love; the first one didn't know about it till too late (that's a story for a veeery long blog post one day), the other one acted like a dickhead. For real. He's admitted it to me, as we're now quite good friends. But that window closed and once it's closed, I can't force it open again. He simply killed off any romantic feelings I had for him. Yet I can feel very close to him as a friend, am very fond of him and hope he'll find a good woman soon because he's really trying to find someone. But it can't be me, now I sometimes wonder what on Earth I saw in him a decade ago. It might have worked, but I would have been compromising a lot. In some ways, he doesn't get me at all, and I'd rather be with someone who is at least open to my way of thinking, or else be alone.
Anyways, I think that most of the men I've been involved with in my lifetime have had one thing in common. No, not that they're usually a lot older and grey-haired, which is what my friends keep teasing me about, but that when it comes to it, they are in fact unavailable, emotionally if not physically.
It's not something I know from the start, but something I discover, often painfully, along the way. They simply are not available to me. Why do I keep choosing them?
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Walking on Ice
Am I not right in thinking that the idiom "To put something on ice" means a temporary halt?
In any case, I thought that despite Henry putting us on ice, we could still remain in touch. So I kept him as a Facebook friend and even sent him a couple of messages, as a friend, pondering about something rather trivial, as you do with your friends.
No reply. Not even a "Thank you" when I sent him a link to something regarding one of many topics we discussed passionately.
Did this mean he didn't want any contact at all until in two or three months? Would we then simply pick up where we left off?
At first, after eating a bit of chocolate, I hadn't felt too bad about this ice-situation, thinking that 2-3 months would pass quickly because I was indeed very busy, and then we'd finally have the time to get to know each other better. And, he would be even further into his journey of being sober, probably not as preoccupied with AA meetings and that sort of stuff anymore.
But Henry's complete silence made me uncomfortable.
So now I'm tossing and turning, trying to figure out what he actually meant. I should have asked!
In any case, I thought that despite Henry putting us on ice, we could still remain in touch. So I kept him as a Facebook friend and even sent him a couple of messages, as a friend, pondering about something rather trivial, as you do with your friends.
No reply. Not even a "Thank you" when I sent him a link to something regarding one of many topics we discussed passionately.
Did this mean he didn't want any contact at all until in two or three months? Would we then simply pick up where we left off?
At first, after eating a bit of chocolate, I hadn't felt too bad about this ice-situation, thinking that 2-3 months would pass quickly because I was indeed very busy, and then we'd finally have the time to get to know each other better. And, he would be even further into his journey of being sober, probably not as preoccupied with AA meetings and that sort of stuff anymore.
But Henry's complete silence made me uncomfortable.
So now I'm tossing and turning, trying to figure out what he actually meant. I should have asked!
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
The Iceman
That's it, I just don't get it. Any of it.
There was no doubt in my mind after our second meet-up that there was chemistry between me and Henry, and that it was mutual. We sent playful texts to each other and even though I was the impatient one, he kept responding and saying hopefully he'd find the time soon for us to be together. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about having more coffee together.
But again, he was terribly busy, and then there were the AA meetings and his work for those, all the reading and then the weekly CoDA meetings.
I was patient, I thought he was definitely worth the wait. But then I received an alarming message from him; he needed some space because he'd had a health scare and needed more testing, it was something to do with his lungs, and since he's a smoker, I got genuinely concerned for him. Never mind whether anything had or would happen between us, he'd need support if the test results came out bad and since I was involved in volunteer work for young people who have been diagnosed with cancer, I'm very knowledgeable in this field. So I just sent him one more text, telling him I'd like to be kept posted and he shouldn't hesitate to contact me if he needed anything.
About a week later, he texted me a smiley face and said the tests had come out fine, he was OK, nothing to worry about. Thrilled by these wonderful news, I rang him as I wandered around the grocery shop trying to figure out what to have for dinner. He sounded really relieved so I understood how heavy this had been on him, so I suggested we'd meet up soon to celebrate, not his evening, but just soon.
That's when his voice changed and the all too familiar we-need-to-talk-tone popped up in his voice. He said he just didn't think this was a great time for him, it appeared he'd be really busy for the next 2-3 months, at weekends too. "I think it's best if we put this on ice."
Funny enough, I was just standing by the frozen seafood, looking down on packets of fish fingers and fish burgers. I only managed to stutter "Yes, of course, I'm quite busy too so I guess it's just really bad timing," to which he agreed.
So we left it there, with a hint of "Let's wait and see" in the air as we finished the conversation and I quickly decided to go for frozen pizza. And chocolate for dessert.
There was no doubt in my mind after our second meet-up that there was chemistry between me and Henry, and that it was mutual. We sent playful texts to each other and even though I was the impatient one, he kept responding and saying hopefully he'd find the time soon for us to be together. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about having more coffee together.
But again, he was terribly busy, and then there were the AA meetings and his work for those, all the reading and then the weekly CoDA meetings.
I was patient, I thought he was definitely worth the wait. But then I received an alarming message from him; he needed some space because he'd had a health scare and needed more testing, it was something to do with his lungs, and since he's a smoker, I got genuinely concerned for him. Never mind whether anything had or would happen between us, he'd need support if the test results came out bad and since I was involved in volunteer work for young people who have been diagnosed with cancer, I'm very knowledgeable in this field. So I just sent him one more text, telling him I'd like to be kept posted and he shouldn't hesitate to contact me if he needed anything.
About a week later, he texted me a smiley face and said the tests had come out fine, he was OK, nothing to worry about. Thrilled by these wonderful news, I rang him as I wandered around the grocery shop trying to figure out what to have for dinner. He sounded really relieved so I understood how heavy this had been on him, so I suggested we'd meet up soon to celebrate, not his evening, but just soon.
That's when his voice changed and the all too familiar we-need-to-talk-tone popped up in his voice. He said he just didn't think this was a great time for him, it appeared he'd be really busy for the next 2-3 months, at weekends too. "I think it's best if we put this on ice."
Funny enough, I was just standing by the frozen seafood, looking down on packets of fish fingers and fish burgers. I only managed to stutter "Yes, of course, I'm quite busy too so I guess it's just really bad timing," to which he agreed.
So we left it there, with a hint of "Let's wait and see" in the air as we finished the conversation and I quickly decided to go for frozen pizza. And chocolate for dessert.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)