Unavailability

So, while on ice, I've had a lot of time to think.

I've begun to see a pattern in the men I get involved with, not only those I've blogged about here but ever since I started properly dating. Yes, I've almost only dated men, never been in a proper relationship. Why is this?

I could blame it on the men, and some of them have been real dickheads and not treated me well. But at the end of the day, they're the ones I pick. I don't get easily attracted to men, you can call me picky, but very few men truly raise my interest. And I very seldom have developed a big crush on them, a crush that could have led to something more deep-rooted but didn't get the time to grow because the guys started acting like...yes, dickheads.

Only twice in my lifetime have I been in love; the first one didn't know about it till too late (that's a story for a veeery long blog post one day), the other one acted like a dickhead. For real. He's admitted it to me, as we're now quite good friends. But that window closed and once it's closed, I can't force it open again. He simply killed off any romantic feelings I had for him. Yet I can feel very close to him as a friend, am very fond of him and hope he'll find a good woman soon because he's really trying to find someone. But it can't be me, now I sometimes wonder what on Earth I saw in him a decade ago. It might have worked, but I would have been compromising a lot. In some ways, he doesn't get me at all, and I'd rather be with someone who is at least open to my way of thinking, or else be alone.

Anyways, I think that most of the men I've been involved with in my lifetime have had one thing in common. No, not that they're usually a lot older and grey-haired, which is what my friends keep teasing me about, but that when it comes to it, they are in fact unavailable, emotionally if not physically.

It's not something I know from the start, but something I discover, often painfully, along the way. They simply are not available to me. Why do I keep choosing them?